Dear AWFUL ARTISTIC DIRECTOR THAT SHOULD BE FIRED,
I am perplexed. First, I schedule an audition with you and am informed that there will be no callbacks following the audition. Second, I give you a great audition in a fabulous dress surrounded by people giving (what I like to think were) mediocre auditions in (what I know were) terrible audition outfits - we’re talking slashed up jeans here, people. Third, I wait patiently for nearly a month, assuming after week two that you have decided not to cast me, but because you are EGOTISTICAL, UNPROFESSIONAL AND GENERALLY SUCKY, you will of course not inform me of this choice. Sidenote - how do you run an entire theatre company if you cannot possibly handle the arduous task of sending out an email that says “Thanks, but no thanks”? Really, I wonder, because you certainly have enough time to put product in your hair. EMAIL ME BACK, MORON.
Ahem. Anyway. After those three steps, I become content with the fact that I will not be in your shows, and since you were only counting on one audition and have no callbacks, then I can rest easy knowing that I gave a good audition and it was all I could do.
But alas, this isn’t true, is it? For some reason unknown to me, I must have been lied to, because I log onto Facebook (EVIL WEBSITE) and learn that one of the least talented “actors” I know has been called back for you. Um… what? Excuse me? I was told there would be no callbacks… and not only was that a filthy lie, but you’re calling back failures? I guess I should be flattered because I must not suck enough for your callbacks (and please, take the word “suck” in every context that you possibly can, because I mean it that way).
I shouldn’t be surprised, really. I remember last year thinking, “You cast her? She’s dumb as a rock and looks like a porn star.” Aha… a theme seems to be developing.